FRIENDSHIP-AND-DATING

by Christine Akiteng

The most asked question by women of all ages is: “Is he in love with me?" I have a different take on what is “love’ and what is not, but for the sake of answering this question, I’ll use the word “love" to mean romantic attraction and sexual chemistry.

Romantic attraction and sexual chemistry happens for a majority of men in three stages and in real life, this can be a little bit confusing for us women because romantic attraction and sexual chemistry happens for most of us in two stages: first when we meet him and decide he deserves a chance to try to “make us fall in love" and secondly, when we have collected enough evidence (what he did and what he failed to do) for falling in love with him.

Even if the process of "falling in love" happens to us in only two stages, it is actually much more difficult for us women to "fall in love' than it is for men. I am sure, this is news for some women, and even hard to believe for others. So let me try to explain how easy it is to increase chemistry with a man if you know what you are working with and what you are up against.

1. The first stage of "falling in love" for a man is instant: fast and furious

Unknown to a majority of women, men fall in love at first sight even more frequently than do women. Research shows that within the first fifteen seconds, a woman will have decided (sub-consciously) if she will give a guy a chance to try to “make her fall in love’ or not. In the same amount of time, a man will have decided if he is “turned’ on by how a woman looks or not.

Yes, I know, I know, this is not fair. But despite our lofty notions of “appreciate human beings for their character rather than for their looks", nature has programmed our brains (more programming on men’s brains) to select out and respond to stimuli as sexually compelling or repelling simply based on good reproductive sense - who is best suited to carry on our gene, and legacy.

While women use visual, emotional and safety (including financial) cues to assess a man’s desirability, over 90% of a man’s decision at this stage is purely based on visual cues. When his eyes lock on to a woman for the first time, they lock on to her visual presentation. Whatever he recognize as “suited to carry on his gene, and legacy", that’s what he focuses on, admiring and lingering on its details. Some men get super glued on boobs, others on booties and others on legs etc. Physical features and bouncy behavior that suggests youth, health and vitality place one woman ahead of all the other pack. And if you are attentive and not trying to delude yourself or force a relationship to happen, you will know when a man is visually attracted to you. HE WILL TELL YOU - in very specific verbs and he simply can’t take his eyes off you!

Keep in mind that at this first stage, it’s just pure sexual chemistry. At this stage you are still dispensable and interchangeable. You’re still just another woman in the pack, and he is still very much attracted to several other women at the same time. But just because this stage is very much based on “animal" instinct does not mean it is not very important. How physically attractive a man finds you determines how much time he’ll want to spend with you, and later in the relationship "looks' confirm to him again and again why he finds you attractive. If a man is not physically attracted to you, trying to make him “fall in love" with you is like trying to wake up a dead horse - you see and believe what you want to see and believe.

2. The second stage of "falling in love" for a man is when he begins to see you as unique and special

He may still be visually attracted to other women and you may be the woman with the “less than perfect" body but there is just “something about you" - and it is driving him nuts. It can be the way you talk or the way you laugh or the way you think or your enthusiasm and passion, or whatever it is you do that makes him think you must feel more deeply and experience life more profoundly and therefore you must be more delightful to be with. He feels more energized just by being around you which in turn makes him feel good about himself and about life in general.

At this stage, like his counterparts in the animal kingdom, he begins to mark his territory. He pays more attention to your needs, spends more time with you and is over protective when other men try to make a move on “his woman". In other words, if you are with a guy who still wants to keep it “an open" relationship and does not mind you dating other guys, then he still has not reached this stage of attraction. He (and you) are pretty much still up for grabs.

Are there things you can do to intensify attraction in order to speed up the process? Yes. There are many things you can do, and discussing them requires me to write another article. The bottom line is, the more positive (happy, deep, and moving) and less negative (painful, stress-full, dull, and "full of yourself") experiences he shares with you, the more likely he is to look at the future with good feelings about you.

3. The third stage of "falling in love" for a man is when he has convinced himself that he is a happier and more fulfilled person with you in his life than when by himself

He feels he is with the right woman at the right time, and at this stage, you will not even be asking the question “Is he in love with me?" because you will know. He will have NO problem declaring to you how he really feels. He might not always use the words, "I love you," but he manages to get his point across. He is strongly attracted to you to want to start the breeding process or if he is past "breeding", he is attracted to you enough to want to “settle down". Keep in mind that in this age and time "settle down" does not necessarily mean marriage to all people but it simply means "I AM WITH THE ONE" (which is the title of my upcoming book). This feeling of "I AM WITH THE ONE" is not the same thing as when he feels he “needs’ you (see my article: How Do You Know If He or She Loves You Or Just Needs You?).

You will do yourself great favour if right now, here and today, you decide to exercise your power of choice to have what you want and to stop wasting time, emotions and energy on going-no-where relationships.

Being in love is supposed to feel great. But sometimes it just feels confusing.
What can you do if you are being hurt, controlled or treated badly in a relationship?

I read this story of Isabella from the internet, and it just touched me. I would like to share it with you.

A story or Isabella

I met my boyfriend when I was 15. He was three years older, and we started going out. He was my first boyfriend. I just thought he was so cool, he's really good looking. At first he came across as pretty nice towards me, sort of protective of me, looking out for me etc.

But it wasn't long after we got together that he started this jealousy thing, like he was constantly watching me to see if I was cheating on him. He just went crazy if I talked to other guys at a party or something, on and on at me like I was flirting with every guy I spoke to, which I wasn't. He was like "you're my girlfriend and you do as I say", basically that was his attitude. At the time, I took it as a sign that he really loved me, he wanted me so much.

We slept together after about a month. I was quite nervous, mainly because my parents are really strict and I was like, just so scared about them finding out. They're Italian and are quite religious, they don't believe in sex before marriage. I didn't really want to do it, it was my first time and I was really stressed out about it, but I thought I'd better, because he really wanted it. He'd say "I don't think you really love me, because you don't want to have sex with me", and he'd accuse me of liking someone else instead of him. And he went on about how everyone else did it, what was wrong with me? Eventually I gave in to the pressure. Every time I had sex I felt so guilty, and I was really worried that my parents would find out. I don't know why, I just felt like I'd done the wrong thing and felt really bad, even though I knew quite a lot of other girls at my school had already slept with their boyfriends.

My boyfriend's attitude towards me was really like "you're mine", like he wanted to control everything I did. He wanted to control who I saw, what I wore, what I said, it was like he wanted me to be what he wanted. He didn't like me talking to friends, he was really critical of all my friends, thought they were stupid and stuff like that. After a while it got really bad, if I told him I'd spoken to a friend on the phone he'd be like "you know I don't like you talking to her". Whenever I tried to argue with him, he'd just get so aggressive, start shouting at me, and sometimes he'd like, start grabbing onto me really hard, he'd come up really close and stand over me and shout. Even though I was really upset, I'd just give in.

Sometimes he'd apologise for shouting at me. He'd be like "I'm sorry, I can't help getting angry with you, if you didn't do these things I wouldn't be so angry, it's just because I love you so much". Other times he'd stay in this really angry mood, he'd just sit there in silence and sort of smash things around, or if he was driving he'd drive like a maniac.

He was always suspicious of me and it was like I couldn't do anything right. Once he was waiting for me after school and he saw me talking to this guy in my class. Anyway he got so angry with me for talking to another guy that he pushed me, really hard so I nearly fell over. And then he's still going on at me "Why were you talking to him? What were you talking about?". I'd really had enough, so I said "Just shut up". Then he says "What did you say?", so I repeated it, and then he just slapped me across the face. And there were like a few people there watching us, and my boyfriend screams at them "you mind your own business". So no-one said anything, they all just turned away.

That was the only time he actually hit me. The rest of the time it was all this harassment and criticism. It just wore me down. Normally I'm like, a really talkative person, really social and happy, but I became really quiet with him, hardly ever smiled. I was just so stressed out all the time, constantly worrying what he thought, trying to do what he wanted so he wouldn't get so aggro or hassle me. I was really nervous around him and scared of setting him off.

I lost contact with most of my friends because he harassed me so much when I saw them. I didn't really tell anyone about how he treated me, because I thought it must be my fault. Once some friends saw him shouting at me about something and they were like "Why do you put up with it? You should just break up with him". That made me feel really bad too, because I felt so stupid, like there was something wrong with me for putting up with it. But I just couldn't leave him. I thought he really loved me, and he wasn't always so bad to me, sometimes he was really nice. I thought if I was more like what he wanted me to be, he would treat me better. I suppose I really blamed myself, felt like I wasn't good enough. I felt really unconfident. After being treated like shit for so long, that's how I felt. And I was totally scared of his reaction if I left him, he'd just go crazy, I didn't know what he'd do if I tried to leave.

One time when I had told him I'd had enough and didn't want to see him anymore, he threatened to tell my parents that we'd had sex, and that I'd smoked drugs with him. I thought my parents would absolutely kill me if they found out. It was like he tried to blackmail me into staying with him.

His older sister used to see how he treated me, but she made out like it was my fault. She'd say "you know what his temper is like, you don't want to go and provoke him, why do you provoke him like that?"

He used to get me to ring him every night I didn't see him, when I got home from school and before I went to bed, just to check up on what I'd been doing. My parents didn't want me to make so many phone calls, so I had to try to sneak around and ring, which was not easy.

This went on for nearly three years. I don't know why, but finally I decided I had to break up with him. I think I realised he was never going to change, it was always going to be like this with him. It was like I just snapped, I just had enough and couldn't take any more.

On the day I broke up with him, I'd been late to meet him, then I had to hand in an assignment that I'd worked really hard on. He was so angry about me being late, he grabbed the assignment and just ripped it up, right in front of me. I'd been told by the teacher I'd probably fail if I didn't get that assignment in. So I just lost it. I said "that's it", and I walked off in the other direction. He comes after me and says "don't you walk away from me". I said "I've had it with this shit". So we're screaming at each other in the street, he's grabbing me by the arms and holding me and shouting at me, saying if I leave him he'll tell my parents what I've done, like having sex and everything. But I just didn't care anymore, I thought I'll cope easier with my parent's reaction than I can with staying with him. Finally he walks off, he's just wild at me, and I know this is not the end of this, because he's said he's going to go and tell my parents.

When I get home he's not there, and I just walk in and burst into tears in front of my mother. I just blurted out everything. She was pretty shocked, going on about "How could you? You should have told us, we knew he was bad for you" etcetera. Then there's a knock at the door. My dad answers it, and it's my boyfriend. Dad won't let him in, so my boyfriend starts yelling at him. Dad manages to get the door shut to keep him out.

It took a while for my parents to calm down, but I think they had to calm down eventually because I was just so upset and crying and everything. I was partly crying with relief, the relief of having finally told someone. The next day I left school early so I didn't have to see him afterwards. I stayed at home all weekend. My parents have an answering machine and he left a few messages, some angry, some apologetic, but I didn't talk to him.

One night the next week he arrived at the front door again but my dad didn't let him in. He was shouting threats and banging and throwing stuff at the house. My parents decided to call the police, even though I didn't want them to. He took off when he saw the police car on the road, so the police didn't see him. The policewoman was quite nice actually, and said we could get an Intervention Order to stop him coming near the house, or near me at school. They said I would need to go to a Magistrates court and say what had happened, and why I was afraid of him. I said I'd think about it. I was scared to go to court, scared of how he'd react, and of what other people would think.

He didn't come to my house again after that - I think he was scared about my parents calling the police. But for a while he kept turning up after school, and would come up to me and either shout at me, or plead with me. I'd told a few school friends, and they were really good about it actually. It was such a relief to tell people, I felt so much stronger. My friends helped me by looking out for me to see if he was waiting for me, and they stood around if he tried to talk to me. They hung around until he left.

Sometimes I felt really guilty or sorry for him when he was hanging around, but then I just thought about how stressed he'd made me feel, how he had tried to manipulate me and dominate my life, and I felt angry at him. Feeling angry helped me keep away from him.

After a few weeks he sort of gave up on trying to get at me. I think he knew he couldn't get to me as much since I told my friends and my parents, and he knows I'm pretty determined to keep him away. It helps knowing that if he harasses or threatens me again I could call the police or take out an Intervention Order. If I see him on the street my friends stand around me, to protect me.

He's got a new girlfriend now, so I hear. I hope he's not abusing her. Maybe after I stood up to him, he'll be more careful to treat his girlfriends with respect.

Now, a year later I've got a boyfriend who really respects me. He never pressures me, and I can be myself with him. I won't put up with any shit from a boyfriend or from anyone. At the first sign of control or manipulation or pressure it would be like, 'I'm out of here'. Now I know no-one has the right to treat me like that. If you love someone you show them respect.

If I knew someone who was being abused, I'd try to talk to them about it. I'd tell them, don't feel ashamed, it's not your fault, it's his. I'd say to them, if you feel like you are able to, then get out as soon as you can, because the abuse just wears you down more and more. Stop hoping he will change, you are probably wasting your time. But be careful, because with some guys things can get scary, especially when you try to leave. If my friend didn't feel like she could break up, I wouldn't criticise her, I'd hang in there and support her. I'd say, make sure you have ways to protect yourself. I'd tell them how much it can help to talk to people about it, because if you have support it can make you feel a lot stronger.

I'd also tell them that things will get better when you are free from the abuse. You feel like you have your life back, your confidence comes back, your enjoyment of life. And even though it takes a while to start trusting people again, it also makes you stronger and more aware of your own rights.


Source: http://www.dvirc.org.au/whenlove/IsabellaStory.htm

By Colette Bouchez

In the pilot for the ABC television show Desperate Housewives, character Gabrielle Solis (she's the beautiful ex-model with the gorgeous rich husband, big house, and bottomless bank account) sets the tone for the series with this simple but poignant statement about her marriage:

"I have everything I wanted -- but I wanted all the wrong things."

More than just a catchy phrase, you don't have to be an unhappy (or desperate) housewife to get what she means. Indeed, when it comes to choosing a life partner, experts say too many of us remain clueless about what we really want and need -- one reason so few of us seem to find it!

"We go round and round, and we date and we date some more and we think, yes! We have finally found the secret to landing that perfect mate. And still the divorce rate goes higher and higher," says psychologist Gilda Carle, PhD, associate professor at Mercy College and author of Don't Bet on the Prince -- How to Have the Man You Want by Betting on Yourself. Clearly, says Carle, something is going wrong.

If you've already figured that part out yourself, take heart. Psychologists say the key to getting off the dating merry-go-round often requires nothing more than taking time to get to know yourself before you try to get to know someone else.

Here are five ways to help you do just that:

1. Define Your Core Values
Understanding your core values is at the heart of truly knowing your needs.

"These are the things about yourself that are not likely to change. They are the tenets you grew up believing and that deep down inside still seem to fit into your life no matter what else changes," says JoAnne White, PhD, a therapist and instructor at Temple University.

Indeed, White tells WebMD that no matter how many qualities you put on your list of "must haves," nothing matters quite so much as finding someone who shares your core values. "In the end, they represent who you are and what you need. They are the deal breakers," says White.

While core values are different for every person, they often touch on such personal issues as:

The desire to have children
Religious beliefs
How you deal with money
How you make important decisions
The importance you place on honesty, integrity, fidelity
Even how you view divorce itself


And while we all have heard that opposites attract -- and experts say they do -- when it comes to the really big issues in our life, shared values are still what count the most.

"When it comes to our most important and lasting relationships, it's similar core values that becomes the glue that cements a couple together," Carle tells WebMD.

2. Understand Your Emotional Needs
While core values may form the foundation of who we are, our emotional needs often define the finer points of our relationships. Psychologist Dennis Sugrue says we must acknowledge those emotional needs before we can find someone who can fill them.

"A need for intimacy, for sexual gratification and satisfaction, a need to be honored and understood and even accepted by our partner, these are all important aspects of who we are. Each of us has our own way in which these needs must be met in order to feel happy and secure" says Sugrue , an associate clinical professor of psychiatry at the University of Michigan Medical School and co-author of Sex Matters for Women.

Understanding what fulfillment means to you, he says, is paramount to finding a partner with whom you can feel satisfied and happy.

The one caveat: Trouble comes when we look for a partner to fulfill us in ways that, ultimately, we can only fulfill ourselves.

"If you are looking to a partner to make you feel worthwhile, to make you feel happy, to rescue you from a bored or unhappy life, if you are seeking someone to make you feel complete or whole -- well then you have some work to do, because these are needs that are never going to be met by any one other than yourself," says Sugrue. To put those demands on someone else is to set up yourself -- and the relationship -- for failure.

3. Identify Your Love Pattern
So how do we go about finding the kind of person who can meet our emotional needs and share our core values? Experts say we should look for clues in the good relationships we already have with friends and family members.

"Think about relationships you've had -- or currently have -- that bring out the best in you," says psychologist Dennis Lowe, PhD, founding director of the Center for the Family at Pepperdine University in Los Angeles and a professor of psychology."Think about the relationships in which you have felt you could grow and the ones that left you feeling fulfilled. Not just romantic relationships, but any relationships with family and with friends."

Also important: Think about the people who make you feel safe and secure, the people with whom you can be yourself. Eventually, he says, a pattern of personality traits will begin to emerge. Not coincidentally, these will be the same traits that will serve you best in a romantic partner.

"You are looking for not only character traits, but also ways of relating to you, and you to them. Look for what has worked in previous relationships," Lowe tells WebMD.

White agrees: "In the end, it's often the people around whom you feel the most comfortable that possess the kind of traits you need for a lasting partnership."

4. Test Drive a Potential Relationship
Looking inside yourself can help prepare you for a successful relationship, but eventually you must apply what you've discovered -- and begin seeking a partner. Unfortunately, it's at this point where many of us make some heart-breaking mistakes.

One of the most common mistakes: Believing that a person whose looks and personality you like also possesses the important qualities you need for a long-term relationship -- before you really know the person.

"There's something called cognitive dissonance -- meaning your head believes one thing and your heart believes something else. When you are in the throes of those toe-curling tingles, believe me, your heart is going to overrule your head every time," says relationship coach and matchmaker Melissa Darnay, author of Dating 101.

When your sense of logic finally does come back -- which Darnay says takes about 120 days from your first toe curl -- suddenly your heartthrob may not seem so appealing. It's equally frustrating when you're still "feeling the buzz" and your partner isn't.

Darnay says many such problems could be avoided, if we viewed new relationships like they were a new car -- starting with the "test drive" known as "dating."

"At the early stages of any relationship you should be dating -- and that's dating, not sleeping with -- at least three or four different potential partners," says Darnay. This will give you the emotional distance and time you need to get to know them before you get too serious with any one person.

5. Go in for a Three-Month Checkup
If the relationship progresses and you like what you see, within two months time you can start dating more seriously, perhaps even exclusively. But within three to four months, Darnay says, it's back to the new car analogy for one more spin around the relationship block.

"No matter how good a new car is running you've still got to take it in for that three-month checkup. The same is true for relationships," says Darnay.

That checkup should involve honestly answering some tough questions about your partner, including:


Is he really as honest as I first thought?
Does she have the same moral fiber I thought she did?
Does he really possess the kind of core values that mean something to me?
Is she who I thought she was?


If the answers are no, pay attention. Experts say red flags are red for a reason -- so you can see them! If your partner isn't making the grade, cut your losses fast and run, says Darnay.

"Remember," she says, "you can change a person's socks, you can change their haircut, but you can't their change their core values -- or yours."


Source: http://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/guide/love-and-dating-what-you-need

It's always easy to say "I love you" to someone we care. In fact this expression "I love you" has been used and abused too often that at times we have not really understood what it really meant. But even if we truly mean what we say...but how do you measure it? Is love really measurable? In the following article, it explains to us what this all meant.

How Do You Measure Love?
August 8, 2006 in Love

I have heard parents tell there children, “I love you this much” as they spread their arms open wide. I have heard people tell their spouse that they love them. Parents often tell their children that they love them. And I am sure once in a while the children actually tell their parents they love them too. However, there are also times that I hear of people who do not think that their spouse loves them. Or as a teacher more commonly I hear that their parents or guardians do not love them. Yet as I have continued to ponder what it means to love someone in my own life, I have been faced with the reality that I really had no clue what it really means to love someone.

This is a rather sad think to admit, being a Christian I should know what love is after all the two greatest commandments are: “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind” and “You shall love your neighbor as yourself” (Mt. 22:37, 39)” So what is love and how do we measure how much someone loves us, or more importantly how much we love someone else?

The Bible says that “God is love” (1 Jn. 4:8). We are not simply told that God is a loving God, but that if you could summarize the character of God it could be done in one word: love. Therefore, if we are to understand what true love looks like we must consider first and foremost what God looks like. For true love can only flow from a God like character thus we are told “Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God; and everyone who loves is born of God and knows God. The one who does not love does not know God, for God is love” (1 Jn 4:7-8). Thus there must be a parallel between growth in love and growth into the image of Jesus Christ.

For the time being let me limit myself to the foundational ground upon which love must be based: self-sacrifice. For we see that the ultimate demonstration of God’s love was the sacrifice of His Son for the sins of those who would believe. Consider the following verses:

“In this is love, not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son to be the propitiation for our sins.” (1 John 4:10)

“For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life.” (John 3:16)

“But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.” (Romans 5:

“But God, being rich in mercy, because of His great love with which He loved us, even when we were dead in our transgressions, made us alive together with Christ (by grace you have been saved), and raised us up with Him, and seated us with Him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, so that in the ages to come He might show the surpassing riches of His grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus.” (Ephesians 2:4-7)

Thus measure of our love is not measured by how much we do for someone else, but how much we give up for them. If you want to measure your love, you must consider how much have you given up for someone else. Christ Himself has told us ”Greater lovehas no one than this, that one lay down his life for his friends” (Jn 15:13). You and I will not ever grow in love in less we grow in the laying down of our own lives. Greater love means greater sacrifice. If there is no sacrifice, there is likely no love. So how do you measure up?


Source: http://ebarnabas.wordpress.com/2006/08/08/how-do-you-measure-love/

1. Be optimistic.

Sure, this rule is a simple one . . . but it’s first on the list because it’s the easiest, most effective way possible to stay motivated and determined to make yourself a happier, more successful person. Studies have shown that it’s not your situation or circumstances that determine how you feel, but rather the way you view them. Remain certain that things happen for a reason, and that you can handle any problem that life hands you, and you’ll be more prepared to impress your special someone and be ready for love when it finds you.

2. Learn to love yourself.

It’s true: that old cliche about “love thyself” is some of the best advice you can get if you’re looking to find that special someone. Feeling good about yourself, and being proud of yourself and the things you do, is one of the first steps you need to take in nurturing a healthy romance with another person. By learning to appreciate your own good qualities, you’ll be better prepared to use them to improve your future romantic relationship.

3. Immerse yourself in what you love.

Every one of us have unique talents and interests, and immersing yourself in the activities you love will make you happier, more skilled, and more attractive to that special someone when you finally meet them. Don’t try to be the kind of person you think someone else will want you to be; instead, concentrate on the aptitudes that make you special and become determined to perfect those skills and make your life better through them. When the time comes, the person you’re meant to be with will recognize your uniqueness and love you more for it.

4. Take good care of yourself.

We can’t all be supermodels, but exercising on a regular basis and paying attention to your personal appearance will make you feel better about yourself, give you more confidence and make you more optimistic. Don’t fall into the trap of thinking that whoever you’re meant to be with will fall in love with you at first sight even if you dress in sweatpants and stop washing your hair. Sure, your special someone will eventually love you for what’s on the inside, but you’ll make it easier for them to notice you if you take a little pride in your appearance.

5. Stop looking!

All of the previous four rules have one thing in common: you don’t have to be looking for love to use them to improve your life and your attitude. In fact, you’ll become a better person, and become more attractive to other people, if you concentrate on bettering yourself and stop worrying so much about finding someone. Become determined to be more optimistic, appreciate yourself, immerse yourself in what you love, take good care of yourself, and I guarantee that your special someone will find you. True love happens when we least expect it, so stop looking for it and start making yourself a better person for when it finally comes!


from Romance Tracker

Late have I loved you, O Beauty ever ancient, ever new, late have I loved you! You were within me, but I was outside, and it was there that I searched for you. In my unloveliness I plunged into the lovely things which you created. You were with me, but I was not with you. Created things kept me from you; yet if they had not been in you they would have not been at all. You called, you shouted, and you broke through my deafness. You flashed, you shone, and you dispelled my blindness. You breathed your fragrance on me; I drew in breath and now I pant for you. I have tasted you, now I hunger and thirst for more. You touched me, and I burned for your peace.

from The Confessions of Saint Augustine

"Where there is no exaggeration there is no love, and where there is no love there is no understanding."
-- Oscar Wilde --

"Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish it's source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings."
-- Anais Nin --

"Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable."
-- C.S. Lewis --

"You have to walk carefully in the beginning of love; the running across fields into your lover's arms can only come later, when you're sure they won't laugh if you trip."
-- Jonathan Carroll --

"Love is not affectionate feeling, but a steady wish for the loved person's ultimate good as far as it can be obtained."
-- C.S. Lewis --

There is a risk involved in everything.
Every time you share a smile,
Every time you shed a tear,
You are opening yourself up to hurt.

Some people tread slowly through life,
Avoiding the risk closeness brings,
Sidestepping the things they can't understand,
Turning away from those who care too much,
Those who care too long,
Those who hold on too tightly.

There is never an easy way to love,
You cannot approach it cautiously,
It will not wait for you to arm yourself,
It does not care if you turn away,
It is everywhere, it is everything.

Love is the greatest of all risks.
It is not reliable, it is not cautious,
It is not sympathetic.
It is unprejudiced and unmerciful.

It strikes the strongest of mind
And brings them to their knees in one blow.
Even in the best of times, love hurts.
It hurts to need, it hurts to belong,
It hurts to be the other part of someone else,
Without either of your consent.
But from the moment it overtakes you,
It hurts worse to be all alone.



Author Unknown

I would like to discuss here the various theses of love as expounded by John Powell, SJ.

1. Love is not a Feeling.

Most of us, am sure, identify love with a feeling or emotion. They "fall in love" and they "fall out of love," in uneven rhythms. Now, everyone knows that feelings are like yoyos, up and down. Feelings are fickle, and people who identify love with feelings become fickle lovers.

Yes, it is obvious that feelings are related to love. The first attraction to love is usually experienced in terms of very strong feelings. However, it would be fatal to identify love with a feeling, because of the ficklenss of feelings. But, it would be equally lethal to a relationship of love if there were no warm and loving feelings to support the intentions of love.

2. Love is a decision-commitment

It is a fact that relationship has many levels. I can love and be loved by another as my father or mother, brother or sister, close friend, closest friend and total confidant, husband or wife. The contract of love wouldbe different in each of these cases. Obviously, I cannot have a deep, sharing relationship with many people. There is not enough time, nor do I have the emotional capacity to interact in a deeply personal and loving way with many people. So I must choose. Of course, there will be cerrtain reciprocal obligations and responsibilities between myself and those to whom I am realted by bloodlines, but even here there is room for choice.

How do I make this deciison? All sorts of considerations enter ito such decision making, from the amount of things I can share in common with another, our capacity to fulfill each other's needs, temperaments, interests, intelligence, values, physical appearance, right down to this so called "chemistry."

Since love can exist on many levels, it is extremely important not to offer a commitment of love which I may not be able to honor. Inepxperienced or immature people tend to do this, to say things under the impulse of strong emotions or physical reactions.

3. Effective Love is Unconditional

Love may be given either conditionally or unconditionally. There i no other possibility. Either I attach condtions to my love or I do not. But I 'd like to say that only unconditional love can effect change in the life of the person to whom that love is offered. Someone said that "it is only in an atmosphere of unconditonally offered love will the human barriers to relationships be lowered."

There is another question, and it is not so simple. Can we expect one party in love relationship to continue making an unconditional contribution and commitment of love without a sustaining respopnse from the other? Theoretically, if the other person could continueoffering an unconditional love, the other would in time respond. But perhaps it would be too late. If the person trying to offer unconditonal love is given nothing in response, to nourish his own capacity and renew his strength for love, the relationship may be brough to an inevitable failure. In practice, however, the possibility is claimed far more than it actually occurs.

4. Love is forever

The commitment of love, at whatever level, has to be a permaneny thing, a life-wager. If I say that I am your friend, I will always be your friend, not as long as or until anything. I will always be there for you. Effective love is not like the retractablepoint on a ballpoint pen. If I say I am your man, I will always be your man. Inthe words of another old song, "When I fall in love, it will be forever."

Any other kind of love loses its effect. I need to know that the love you offer me is a permanent offer before I will give up my security operations, my masks, roles and games. I cannot come out to a temporary, tentative love, to an offer which has all that fine print and many footnotes in the contract.

5. The commitment of love involves: decisions...decisions...decisions

We have said that love is a commitment to the satisfaction, security and development of the one loved. In loving you I am committed to the fulfillment of your needs, whatever they may be. But there is a double difficulty here(I didn't promise you a rose garden). First of all, your needs are constantly changing. If I love you, I have to be constantly reading your needs, watching you with the look of love. I must be asking: What do you need me to be today, this morning, tonight? Are you discouraged and in need of my strength?Are you lonely and need only my hand softly in yours? This kind of emphatic listening and looking is one of the deepest challenges of effective love.

The second difficulty involved in the practice of love is this. It is I, not you, who must decide what you need me to be. I simply cannot ask you and trust you to know. It may well be that the most loving thing for me to do is to tell you a truth which you do not want to hear, or to stay by your side even when you are angrily telling me to go away. In taking on the responsibility for these decisions, I will be right sometimes and I will be wrong sometimes, but more important than the rightness or wrongness of my judgments will always be the fact that I did what I did because I loved you. I wanted what was best for you. I chose to feel responsible for your life, growth and the development of all your human powers. But, of course, my decisions must never preempt your freedom.

6. The essential gift of love is a sense of personal worth

My love must empower you to love yourself. We should judge our success in loving not by those who admire us for our accomplishments , but by the number of those who attribute their wholeness to our loving them, by the number of those who have seen their beuty in our eyes, heard their goodness acknowledged in the warmth of our voices. We are like mirrors to one another. No one can know what he looks like until he sees his reflection in some kind of mirror. It is an absolute human certainty that no one can know his own beauty or perceive a sense of his own worth until it has been reflected back to him in the mirror of another loving, caring human being.

7. Love means the affirmation, not the possession of the one loved

A sense of his own worth is no doubt the greatest gift we can offer to another, the greatest contribution we can make to any life. We can give this gift and make this contribution only through love. However, it is essential that our love be liberating, not possessive. We must at all times give those we love the freedom to be themselves. Love affirms the other as other. It does not possess and manipulate him as mine. This means that wanting what is best for you and trying to be what you need me to be can be done only in a way that preserves your freedom to have your own feelings, think your own thoughts, and make your own decisions. If your personhood is as dear to me as my own, which is the implication of love, I must respect it carefully and sesnsitively. When I affirm you, my affirmation is based on your unconditional value as a unique, unrepeatable and even sacred mystery of humanity.

I gave you my heart, I gave you my soul, and I gave to you all the love that I hold within me. I gave you my respect and understanding. I gave you my compassion and my passion; I gave you faithfulness. I gave you my laughter; I opened my heart and let you know my fears and insecurities, my strengths and weaknesses.

I gave you my encouragement and my belief in you. I gave you my honesty and trust. If I could love you forever, that wouldn't be long enough. I shared with you my tears; I gave you my arms with which to hold you when you were feeling down. All these things I gave to you freely and willingly, because of my love for you, and they shall always remain yours.

But I know now that I have to forget about you, because of the way you affect my everyday life. I know that I have to quit hoping that I will ever get to hold or kiss you again. I don't want to wake up anymore, in the middle of the night, thinking about you and not being able to get back to sleep.

I don't want that feeling anymore, that I get in my heart, from seeing you without me. I need to fill that hole in my soul that I carry with me, from losing you, but I know that it will never go away.

I need to know what it takes for me not to see your face everyday, even when you're not around, I still see you as if your standing right next to me. My heart remains lifeless at the thought of losing your smile, the sound of your laughter, your tears, and the compassion that lies in your heart.

You see, I finally learned what real love is, and that real love was you. If you ever find that ability to love and care for someone that much, where each waking day is better than the previous one, and no matter what happens or what your station in life is, be it rich or poor, that nothing can change your heart, because you have each other's hearts, then shall you truly know where real strength and love come from.

I can't take back what's in my heart or all the feelings that go with it, or for the fact that everything I was or was capable of becoming, I gave to you and leave with you. Real love is a rare and wonderful thing, and as with most rare things, very hard to hang on to.

It's about wanting to hold and kiss each other every day. It's about saying "I love you" everyday. It's not just saying the words; it's when you cradle that person's face in your hands and look them in the eyes and say to them "no, I really mean it, I truly love you".

It's about sitting with each other and not having to speak a word, because two hearts have become one. It's knowing that the worst thing about dying would be missing you and not being able to see you anymore. It's about understanding and keeping the passion alive, so that every day is like the very first tme you gave your heart and soul to that one person.

It's knowing that you listen to your heart and follow it, because you know that there is nothing stronger or more powerful than the heart. It can bring you to heights unimaginable, or it can slam you so hard that you think even living isn't important anymore. It's about believing that you don't give up on real love, because it's such a hard thing to keep and it's not worth losing. It's knowing that all the trials and tribulations, all of it, everything, just makes the both of you stronger.

I write these feelings and words down in the hopes of seeing that it puts the feeling of real love in your heart; to know what an amazing feeling it is and how free it makes you feel. It's like being able to fly without actually leaving the ground; not many people ever get to feel that. I know in my heart that I lost part of me because the hurting never goes away; it will always be there but it helps to make me a stronger person in some ways.

So if you ever find real love, keep it in your heart and lock it away and keep it there for eternity and beyond. Don't be afraid to pass it on to other people, because it really is the one real and true thing that we have in our lives.

Live long, hard, and forever.

--- Copyright © 2002 Gary Lee Allman

(I read this article in the internet and i am copying it here for your reading and reflection. It's titled "Love" written by Nicole)

Well what can I say about love? There are many different ways to think or feel about love. People also express their love or feelings in many different ways. I would say I've been in love at least once but maybe not. Maybe I'm not old enough to know what it is, maybe I am. My point is that love is a confusing thing. You always wonder if the other person likes or loves you and if they do, they would understand or do this or that and show you how they feel.

The truth is though that love means different things for different people. I think love is knowing that no matter what you'd do anything for the other person guy or girl because they make you so happy and so wonderful that it's the greatest feeling you've ever had. It is so important to you that you can't think about anything else, and it becomes a natural thing to love that person. I think that is what love is, but the description of love is different for all of us. Some of us experience true, great love many times, and for others only once.

No matter what though we must keep in mind that love is a very powerful, important, usually wonderful thing. People always have and always will have different opinions on what love is and how it should be shown, and what should be acceptable and what not acceptable. You just have to do what feels right to you and follow your heart when it comes to love, no one can tell you, you are not in love or you are in love, you have to know what is right for you.

I believe that no matter how you express love or what you understand about love that when you find it you know its love, and that its right. I believe that if you find true love it is important to cherish it, embrace it and remember it. Sometimes you must let go love for whatever reason and it may be the hardest thing to do, but just remember the good times and what you learned from that person and they will always be in your heart. Love is a great thing whether we understand it, know how it feels, or not.

By Nicole