FRIENDSHIP-AND-DATING

By Colette Bouchez

In the pilot for the ABC television show Desperate Housewives, character Gabrielle Solis (she's the beautiful ex-model with the gorgeous rich husband, big house, and bottomless bank account) sets the tone for the series with this simple but poignant statement about her marriage:

"I have everything I wanted -- but I wanted all the wrong things."

More than just a catchy phrase, you don't have to be an unhappy (or desperate) housewife to get what she means. Indeed, when it comes to choosing a life partner, experts say too many of us remain clueless about what we really want and need -- one reason so few of us seem to find it!

"We go round and round, and we date and we date some more and we think, yes! We have finally found the secret to landing that perfect mate. And still the divorce rate goes higher and higher," says psychologist Gilda Carle, PhD, associate professor at Mercy College and author of Don't Bet on the Prince -- How to Have the Man You Want by Betting on Yourself. Clearly, says Carle, something is going wrong.

If you've already figured that part out yourself, take heart. Psychologists say the key to getting off the dating merry-go-round often requires nothing more than taking time to get to know yourself before you try to get to know someone else.

Here are five ways to help you do just that:

1. Define Your Core Values
Understanding your core values is at the heart of truly knowing your needs.

"These are the things about yourself that are not likely to change. They are the tenets you grew up believing and that deep down inside still seem to fit into your life no matter what else changes," says JoAnne White, PhD, a therapist and instructor at Temple University.

Indeed, White tells WebMD that no matter how many qualities you put on your list of "must haves," nothing matters quite so much as finding someone who shares your core values. "In the end, they represent who you are and what you need. They are the deal breakers," says White.

While core values are different for every person, they often touch on such personal issues as:

The desire to have children
Religious beliefs
How you deal with money
How you make important decisions
The importance you place on honesty, integrity, fidelity
Even how you view divorce itself


And while we all have heard that opposites attract -- and experts say they do -- when it comes to the really big issues in our life, shared values are still what count the most.

"When it comes to our most important and lasting relationships, it's similar core values that becomes the glue that cements a couple together," Carle tells WebMD.

2. Understand Your Emotional Needs
While core values may form the foundation of who we are, our emotional needs often define the finer points of our relationships. Psychologist Dennis Sugrue says we must acknowledge those emotional needs before we can find someone who can fill them.

"A need for intimacy, for sexual gratification and satisfaction, a need to be honored and understood and even accepted by our partner, these are all important aspects of who we are. Each of us has our own way in which these needs must be met in order to feel happy and secure" says Sugrue , an associate clinical professor of psychiatry at the University of Michigan Medical School and co-author of Sex Matters for Women.

Understanding what fulfillment means to you, he says, is paramount to finding a partner with whom you can feel satisfied and happy.

The one caveat: Trouble comes when we look for a partner to fulfill us in ways that, ultimately, we can only fulfill ourselves.

"If you are looking to a partner to make you feel worthwhile, to make you feel happy, to rescue you from a bored or unhappy life, if you are seeking someone to make you feel complete or whole -- well then you have some work to do, because these are needs that are never going to be met by any one other than yourself," says Sugrue. To put those demands on someone else is to set up yourself -- and the relationship -- for failure.

3. Identify Your Love Pattern
So how do we go about finding the kind of person who can meet our emotional needs and share our core values? Experts say we should look for clues in the good relationships we already have with friends and family members.

"Think about relationships you've had -- or currently have -- that bring out the best in you," says psychologist Dennis Lowe, PhD, founding director of the Center for the Family at Pepperdine University in Los Angeles and a professor of psychology."Think about the relationships in which you have felt you could grow and the ones that left you feeling fulfilled. Not just romantic relationships, but any relationships with family and with friends."

Also important: Think about the people who make you feel safe and secure, the people with whom you can be yourself. Eventually, he says, a pattern of personality traits will begin to emerge. Not coincidentally, these will be the same traits that will serve you best in a romantic partner.

"You are looking for not only character traits, but also ways of relating to you, and you to them. Look for what has worked in previous relationships," Lowe tells WebMD.

White agrees: "In the end, it's often the people around whom you feel the most comfortable that possess the kind of traits you need for a lasting partnership."

4. Test Drive a Potential Relationship
Looking inside yourself can help prepare you for a successful relationship, but eventually you must apply what you've discovered -- and begin seeking a partner. Unfortunately, it's at this point where many of us make some heart-breaking mistakes.

One of the most common mistakes: Believing that a person whose looks and personality you like also possesses the important qualities you need for a long-term relationship -- before you really know the person.

"There's something called cognitive dissonance -- meaning your head believes one thing and your heart believes something else. When you are in the throes of those toe-curling tingles, believe me, your heart is going to overrule your head every time," says relationship coach and matchmaker Melissa Darnay, author of Dating 101.

When your sense of logic finally does come back -- which Darnay says takes about 120 days from your first toe curl -- suddenly your heartthrob may not seem so appealing. It's equally frustrating when you're still "feeling the buzz" and your partner isn't.

Darnay says many such problems could be avoided, if we viewed new relationships like they were a new car -- starting with the "test drive" known as "dating."

"At the early stages of any relationship you should be dating -- and that's dating, not sleeping with -- at least three or four different potential partners," says Darnay. This will give you the emotional distance and time you need to get to know them before you get too serious with any one person.

5. Go in for a Three-Month Checkup
If the relationship progresses and you like what you see, within two months time you can start dating more seriously, perhaps even exclusively. But within three to four months, Darnay says, it's back to the new car analogy for one more spin around the relationship block.

"No matter how good a new car is running you've still got to take it in for that three-month checkup. The same is true for relationships," says Darnay.

That checkup should involve honestly answering some tough questions about your partner, including:


Is he really as honest as I first thought?
Does she have the same moral fiber I thought she did?
Does he really possess the kind of core values that mean something to me?
Is she who I thought she was?


If the answers are no, pay attention. Experts say red flags are red for a reason -- so you can see them! If your partner isn't making the grade, cut your losses fast and run, says Darnay.

"Remember," she says, "you can change a person's socks, you can change their haircut, but you can't their change their core values -- or yours."


Source: http://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/guide/love-and-dating-what-you-need

It's always easy to say "I love you" to someone we care. In fact this expression "I love you" has been used and abused too often that at times we have not really understood what it really meant. But even if we truly mean what we say...but how do you measure it? Is love really measurable? In the following article, it explains to us what this all meant.

How Do You Measure Love?
August 8, 2006 in Love

I have heard parents tell there children, “I love you this much” as they spread their arms open wide. I have heard people tell their spouse that they love them. Parents often tell their children that they love them. And I am sure once in a while the children actually tell their parents they love them too. However, there are also times that I hear of people who do not think that their spouse loves them. Or as a teacher more commonly I hear that their parents or guardians do not love them. Yet as I have continued to ponder what it means to love someone in my own life, I have been faced with the reality that I really had no clue what it really means to love someone.

This is a rather sad think to admit, being a Christian I should know what love is after all the two greatest commandments are: “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind” and “You shall love your neighbor as yourself” (Mt. 22:37, 39)” So what is love and how do we measure how much someone loves us, or more importantly how much we love someone else?

The Bible says that “God is love” (1 Jn. 4:8). We are not simply told that God is a loving God, but that if you could summarize the character of God it could be done in one word: love. Therefore, if we are to understand what true love looks like we must consider first and foremost what God looks like. For true love can only flow from a God like character thus we are told “Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God; and everyone who loves is born of God and knows God. The one who does not love does not know God, for God is love” (1 Jn 4:7-8). Thus there must be a parallel between growth in love and growth into the image of Jesus Christ.

For the time being let me limit myself to the foundational ground upon which love must be based: self-sacrifice. For we see that the ultimate demonstration of God’s love was the sacrifice of His Son for the sins of those who would believe. Consider the following verses:

“In this is love, not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son to be the propitiation for our sins.” (1 John 4:10)

“For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life.” (John 3:16)

“But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.” (Romans 5:

“But God, being rich in mercy, because of His great love with which He loved us, even when we were dead in our transgressions, made us alive together with Christ (by grace you have been saved), and raised us up with Him, and seated us with Him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, so that in the ages to come He might show the surpassing riches of His grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus.” (Ephesians 2:4-7)

Thus measure of our love is not measured by how much we do for someone else, but how much we give up for them. If you want to measure your love, you must consider how much have you given up for someone else. Christ Himself has told us ”Greater lovehas no one than this, that one lay down his life for his friends” (Jn 15:13). You and I will not ever grow in love in less we grow in the laying down of our own lives. Greater love means greater sacrifice. If there is no sacrifice, there is likely no love. So how do you measure up?


Source: http://ebarnabas.wordpress.com/2006/08/08/how-do-you-measure-love/

1. Be optimistic.

Sure, this rule is a simple one . . . but it’s first on the list because it’s the easiest, most effective way possible to stay motivated and determined to make yourself a happier, more successful person. Studies have shown that it’s not your situation or circumstances that determine how you feel, but rather the way you view them. Remain certain that things happen for a reason, and that you can handle any problem that life hands you, and you’ll be more prepared to impress your special someone and be ready for love when it finds you.

2. Learn to love yourself.

It’s true: that old cliche about “love thyself” is some of the best advice you can get if you’re looking to find that special someone. Feeling good about yourself, and being proud of yourself and the things you do, is one of the first steps you need to take in nurturing a healthy romance with another person. By learning to appreciate your own good qualities, you’ll be better prepared to use them to improve your future romantic relationship.

3. Immerse yourself in what you love.

Every one of us have unique talents and interests, and immersing yourself in the activities you love will make you happier, more skilled, and more attractive to that special someone when you finally meet them. Don’t try to be the kind of person you think someone else will want you to be; instead, concentrate on the aptitudes that make you special and become determined to perfect those skills and make your life better through them. When the time comes, the person you’re meant to be with will recognize your uniqueness and love you more for it.

4. Take good care of yourself.

We can’t all be supermodels, but exercising on a regular basis and paying attention to your personal appearance will make you feel better about yourself, give you more confidence and make you more optimistic. Don’t fall into the trap of thinking that whoever you’re meant to be with will fall in love with you at first sight even if you dress in sweatpants and stop washing your hair. Sure, your special someone will eventually love you for what’s on the inside, but you’ll make it easier for them to notice you if you take a little pride in your appearance.

5. Stop looking!

All of the previous four rules have one thing in common: you don’t have to be looking for love to use them to improve your life and your attitude. In fact, you’ll become a better person, and become more attractive to other people, if you concentrate on bettering yourself and stop worrying so much about finding someone. Become determined to be more optimistic, appreciate yourself, immerse yourself in what you love, take good care of yourself, and I guarantee that your special someone will find you. True love happens when we least expect it, so stop looking for it and start making yourself a better person for when it finally comes!


from Romance Tracker

Late have I loved you, O Beauty ever ancient, ever new, late have I loved you! You were within me, but I was outside, and it was there that I searched for you. In my unloveliness I plunged into the lovely things which you created. You were with me, but I was not with you. Created things kept me from you; yet if they had not been in you they would have not been at all. You called, you shouted, and you broke through my deafness. You flashed, you shone, and you dispelled my blindness. You breathed your fragrance on me; I drew in breath and now I pant for you. I have tasted you, now I hunger and thirst for more. You touched me, and I burned for your peace.

from The Confessions of Saint Augustine

"Where there is no exaggeration there is no love, and where there is no love there is no understanding."
-- Oscar Wilde --

"Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish it's source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings."
-- Anais Nin --

"Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable."
-- C.S. Lewis --

"You have to walk carefully in the beginning of love; the running across fields into your lover's arms can only come later, when you're sure they won't laugh if you trip."
-- Jonathan Carroll --

"Love is not affectionate feeling, but a steady wish for the loved person's ultimate good as far as it can be obtained."
-- C.S. Lewis --

There is a risk involved in everything.
Every time you share a smile,
Every time you shed a tear,
You are opening yourself up to hurt.

Some people tread slowly through life,
Avoiding the risk closeness brings,
Sidestepping the things they can't understand,
Turning away from those who care too much,
Those who care too long,
Those who hold on too tightly.

There is never an easy way to love,
You cannot approach it cautiously,
It will not wait for you to arm yourself,
It does not care if you turn away,
It is everywhere, it is everything.

Love is the greatest of all risks.
It is not reliable, it is not cautious,
It is not sympathetic.
It is unprejudiced and unmerciful.

It strikes the strongest of mind
And brings them to their knees in one blow.
Even in the best of times, love hurts.
It hurts to need, it hurts to belong,
It hurts to be the other part of someone else,
Without either of your consent.
But from the moment it overtakes you,
It hurts worse to be all alone.



Author Unknown